It is a time of togetherness, of unity against unions. This time it’s striking city workers. Tomorrow it will be some other commie slackers asking for a raise or a vacation they likely haven’t earned. Whatever the demands, the reasons we scorn and curse unions are well-documented:
1) Unions negotiate their own labour.
Workers can’t make decisions about their own compensation! Only politicians, business executives and mercenaries have the moral authority to do that. Everyone else should be grateful for whatever they get. Think of the noble Wal-mart shopping cart wrangler: loyally supporting her employer by shopping exclusively at Wal-mart, using breaks to scour the parking lot for half-scratched Keno tickets, smiling that charming, toothless smile as I pass. Who would interfere with this humble existence?
2) Unions go on strike.
If you don’t like your contract – or if your management is too busy with real tasks to renegotiate your contract – you can’t just walk off the job. People with any integrity see poor working conditions as an opportunity to guiltlessly steal that cool correction tape stuff, pay for Lavalife accounts with the company card, or change the hold music to Soulja Boy’s Greatest Hits. What you lose in compensation, you gain in passive-aggressive sabotage and decreased productivity for the employer you love to hate.
3) Unions form picket lines.
If you’re on strike, shouldn’t you stay home or something? Why would you stand outside your place of business in the sun, chanting, waving a half-tree, shuffling around in circles like a pigeon struck by a bumper? Public protest is aggresive, juvenile and obnoxious. If I want the straight goods on your motives, I’ll read online comments. Hardworking, ordinary folks are pros at sifting through the complexities of collective bargaining, getting straight to the personal attacks that help me understand issues…and their usernames remind me that I love Canada.
4) Unions only help their own members.
Unions are completely selfish. They only look after their own flock. What’s worse, they promote a culture of selfishness that incites other whiners to form their own unions and pursue their own unique forms of selfishness. Soon, entire sectors have unions selfishly competing to maximize their own interests. This is in direct opposition to capitalism, the greatest unifying force the world has ever known.
5) Unions collect dues.
Employing a tax-and-spend socialist ideology, unions charge dues that get redistributed for the “common good” of all members. Of course, ordinary people in free markets can decide how to spend their money better than any union. For example, the Ontario Public Service Employees Union (OPSEU) claims on its website that its employees get access to legal counsel, training and discounted benefits through their dues. Someone should inform these hacks that plasma flat-screen technology is driving our economy – think how many TVs their members could have bought with that money! Forget a lawyer – I want Law and Order: Criminal Intent in fifty-two glorious inches of high definition.
So you see union bosses, it’s no use. Your fringe values will always separate you from the mainstream. You live in a fantasy world that can never exist. When will you join the honest masses, who yearn for the day we can all suffer in silence, together?